A Little Girl's Story : Inspector Lynley
by joyteach
Summary: An eight part story of a child's view of events taking place in 2004 and 2005 between series 3 and 4 of BBC TV's Inspector Lynley Mysteries,using characters from Elizabeth George's Lynley and Havers novels.
1. Chapter 1

**A Little Girl's Story  
**

**Chapter One **

It was there again. It never really went totally away but sometimes I could make myself for a minute imagine it wasn't there. It was a lead weight. Behind my front ribs. Like in a story when somebody's heart had turned to lead, or stone. It had been there for months now, since I was nine, and this afternoon I could feel it hurting as my backpack pressed into it from the other side.

I call it a lead weight. I have never seen any lead but I have read about it. It is heavy and nothing can get through it, not even kryptonite.

I have never told anybody about the weight. I don't think anybody else has a weight like this in their chest and I know they will only think I am silly or wicked. It is worse when I have been running, when I stop. Sometimes I can't feel it when I am running and thinking about something else. But soon I feel it again.

Like today. It was back again as I came over the top of the hill. I looked down and paused at the top of the path. They were down there at the bottom. They were going to play with me. We were going to play the game for half an hour or as long as it took for one of them to get tired of it. I am their toy. They think I like it and I do but only when we are playing. Afterwards and before, it makes the lead in my chest hang heavier. Sometimes during the game, when I'm pretending it's all real, the weight really hurts because I want it so much to be real, but it's worth it.

They sat on the bench at the bottom of the hill, my mother and father. This was the day we played the Friday game of We Are A Family. I knew what was going to happen. We were all going to walk to the snack hut on the other side of the park, by the lake, and I wouldn't be able to eat. They would have coffee, or tea, and I would have squash because my mother says cola is bad for you and they would try to get me to have a sandwich and I would try. Then I would walk with them to the lake or the putting green and my dad would row mum and me about until the man called us in or we would have a putting match which I usually won. They argued about whether winning was good for me.

Anybody watching thought we were a real family. I always hoped my friends would see us all together. I had never said which group I was in, the one- parent or the two-parent. They weren't really gangs. They just had different things to talk about at playtime. I had never said anything but I usually sat with the two-parent girls and pretended I belonged there. Well it wasn't really dishonest. I did have two sometimes. I wanted somebody to see us together before somebody suspected something.I always pretended very very hard that when we had finished whatever we had been doing in the park we were all going to go back home together.

Then whoever I had been staying with would leave and I would go with the other one to wherever my home was for the weekend.

Today it was just the same. But I was going to ask again, even if it made the pain in my chest worse and my breath tighter.I hadn't asked for a long time and they might have changed their minds. I started to run and my backpack bounced, colliding with the the lead, thump thump thump. They stood up when I got nearer. I took what breath my chest would let me and said as calmly as I could, "Can we all live somewhere together please ? Like we used to ? "

My mother laughed. "What's brought this on again all of a sudden ? " she said. I didn't know what she meant and neither of them answered.

My father just said, "Come on," and indicated I should go with him to the car park. " We are going straight home today. I have got some work to finish and there is no time for rowing on the lake."

Why had she laughed ? What was funny ? The lead weight throbbed and another weight started to grow in my feet. They wouldn't move. I couldn't walk. My feet were too heavy. I tried to walk to my dad but I couldn't. I was frightened then. My mum could walk. She took a step towards me. I just stood still and when she was really close I threw my arms round her and held on really tight. I wanted my mum. Sometimes I wanted her more than ever and today was one of the times. I wanted her to hug me back but she didn't, much.

"What's this for ? " to me. "She wants something," to Dad. I could feel that she was laughing.

I found my voice through the weight in my chest, "I want to go home."

My mum said "Where ? " and I replied "I don't know." I didn't. I let her go and looked up at her. She wasn't as tall as she used to be. She still looked as though she thought something was funny.

Dad held my hand and said again, " Come on." He had a sad sound in his voice. He wasn't laughing. Was he sad ? Why ? He shouldn't be sad. He had no reason. Nobody had done anything to him. My feet were stuck to the ground. Dad gave a little tug to get me to walk with him but I still couldn't move. I felt tears come to my eyes.

I said again, "I want to go home," but I didn't really know where home was now. It used to be with my mum and dad, then with my dad when we were waiting for my mum to come back. When Mum came back she didn't come home. She went to live somewhere else.When I was with her was that my home ? It didn't feel like it.Dad moved and lived somewhere else.Was that my home too ?

I couldn't help it. All I could do was stand there saying over and over again that I wanted to go home. Dad gave me a little shove in the direction of the bench and I sat down. They were talking over my head.

" Perhaps she's not well."

" I hope she's not going down with something. I can't look after her."

"Perhaps that bag on her back is too heavy for her."

"She gets a lot of homework now."

" I hope she is not in trouble at school. There will be somebody still there. I'll go and ask."

"No. If it was important they would have phoned. I expect she's tired. They have games on Fridays now. You'll have to pick her up in future instead of making her walk through the park."

"Nobody makes her walk. She likes it."

The lead in my chest got heavier. I had to let it out. I coughed hard. It was better than howling like a wolf, which is what I wanted to do. It didn't help. They thought then I had a cold coming on and started to discuss whether I should go to Dad's after all.

I wanted to say again that I wanted to go home but I kept it in. The lead sank. I didn't know where home was anyway. I understood something suddenly. I had heard somebody else once saying she wanted to go home. Mrs Havers. Sometimes she knew who her visitors were and sometimes she didn't. She had said once, " I want to go home," and Barbara had asked her where she lived. The old lady hadn't answered. She had just stared ahead and then after a minute went back to talking about the blitz and how she went to Spain on a plane.

Barbara had explained that her mother hadn't really wanted to go home. She didn't want to go anywhere at all in fact. She had meant something else.

" She really means, 'I want my life back,' " Barbara had said. " It comes back to her occasionally, the life she used to have. She remembers when she had her own home to run, when she was a housewife thirty years ago and my brother and I were children. She would have been happy then. She was in charge. My father went out to work and she did everything else. She forgets all about that life most of the time but now and again something reminds her or she gets a flash of who she was. She wants to be the person she used to be, to live how she used to live, but nobody can do that. Life is not a video tape. You can't wind it back to the good bits and play it again."

That was what I wanted. My life back. But I wasn't going to get it. Barbara had been right that time. The tears were running down my face now. I used to love Barbara. That is what hurt the most. That's why I had kicked her really hard the last time I'd seen her.


	2. Chapter 2

**A Little Girl's Story**

**Chapter two**  


At the memory of what I did to Barbara my legs started to swing. They were free. I got up from the bench and started to walk but my feet still dragged along the ground. My dad picked me up and carried me to his car, making grunting and heaving noises as if I was heavy. I think he wanted me to laugh. He hated it when I cried. It annoyed him, as if I could help it. He put me down and took my backpack off for me before we got into the car.

"If you feel sick you'd better sit in the back."

"I'll be OK, Dad. I'll lie down when we get home." I wanted to do just that. If I couldn't rewind I could lie down and unwind. Barbara used to unwind. That's what she called it. She would read an easy book about a love story or watch the television eating cornflakes.

She always bought two copies when she bought me a Harry Potter, even 'Harry Potter et Philosophi Lapis' and 'Harry Potter a Maen yr Athronydd'. We took it in turns to read a paragraph out loud. The teacher at school said my reading was getting better and I was going to take my Grade Two certificate in Effective Text Speaking with Mrs Jones my private teacher. Dad said I'd got my distinction at Grade One because I'd practised reading aloud so much with Barbara. He didn't know it was the same book nearly every time. When it was time for him to come for me we would open the Latin one and he'd think we'd been doing something educational. We'd look at each other and wink.

And we used to play a joke. If a stranger or a friend came to see Barbara we would show him or her 'Maen yr Athronydd' and ask them what it was. I think Sir knew all the time but he joined in the game. So did his wife. So did Dad.

We would show somebody the book and they would always say, 'This isn't English "

and I would say, "No, it's not English but it's not a foreign language either. What is it ?" Most people didn't know.

I used to like that. Barbara said if Prince William came to tea he would know. I was nearly happy when I was with Barbara. When I was with Barbara it didn't hurt when I thought about my mum. I could talk about my mum to Barbara and my heart would beat but it didn't hurt. I could tell Barbara how I wanted my mum to come home. I could even talk about Mum to my dad if Barbara was there. That's what made it a betrayal. We'd talked about betrayal in R.E. and P.S.E. It meant a friend let you down. You trusted them but they did what you had trusted them not to do. You thought somebody loved you. You believed in them and they behaved like an enemy. Barbara had done what she knew would hurt me the most. She knew how much I wanted my mum back. How much I missed her and how I missed the three of us.

I cried for my mother once when it was nearly Christmas. I felt ashamed of crying. I didn't say so but Barbara knew. She looked at me and put her arm round me and said, "Look, I'm four times your age and I'd be over the moon if my mum came back. I can see my mum whenever I want but I miss her all the same. I can't imagine what it's like for you."

I could imagine what it was like for her. Sometimes her mother didn't even know who she was. That must be nearly as bad as your mother not being there. My dad took me to see Mrs Havers when Barbara was in hospital. When we got there that day she thought I was an air stewardess and my dad was the pilot. Then she remembered me but she got it wrong. She thought she was my grandma. Close enough. I wouldn't have minded. If my mother had been dead like in a story, Barbara could have been my new mother. But my mother wasn't dead and I wanted my old one.

"We're not going home yet. If you are certain you feel well, get into the front then."

"You said you had work to do."

" I have indeed. We are going somewhere else first."

"Where ?" I got in. It was hard not to kick the car when my leg remembered how angry I was when I had kicked Barbara's leg so hard she said Ow.

" Get a tissue. Dry your face and blow your nose."

The lead weight was growing in my chest. It was pushing up towards my throat. I got the tissue. I put it over my face. I didn't want to go anywhere.

" I want to lie down."

" You want.You want." He was annoyed now. "Well you can lie down when we get there." Then he stopped looking serious and smiled at me. "But you won't want to lie down. You'll want to talk."

I tried to brighten up and look interested. He wasn't going to take any notice of anything else. He wasn't really interested in my real feelings. I might as well pretend if it put him in a better mood.

"Where are we going ?"

"It was going to be a surprise but if it makes you take that look off your face and cheer up, I'll tell you now. Your friend Barbara has moved again. You've not seen her for a long time. She's in a new flat and we are going to see it. We are going there for tea or whatever she has prepared for us."

Oh no !


	3. Chapter 3

**A Little Girl's Story**

**Chapter three  
  
**

**You know the saying 'my heart sank' ? I didn't know it could really happen. Well it did. Only it was the lead weight that sank. It sank and sank and then it got bigger.**

**I didn't want to see her. I hadn't seen her for ages and I didn't want to see her now. It was all her fault. **

**I was still cross. Furious. Unhappy. She was the last person I wanted to see. I was a bit frightened too. I had no idea how angry she was with me. What was she going to do ? Why did she want to see me ? Why would she want to see somebody who had done what I had done ? She had been nearly killed. I had wanted something really horrible to happen to her . I had kicked her hard and said so. Something as horrible as had happened to me. And then somebody had shot her.**

** I hadn't been absolutely sure until then that it would work. That I could make something happen by wanting it. Experiments have to be repeated. Mr Leather says that. My dad is a scientist and he says Mr Leather is right. It's got to be performed at least twice. Results have to be replicable. Dad doesn't look like a scientist. He just looks like a dad. He doesn't wear a white coat in the house or anything. Sometimes he understands what Barbara is reading. About dead bodies and what is on them and what happens to them. They don't know I know that. **

**  
**

**There is something else I have been wanting and wanting and wanting to happen but it hasn't happened yet. And it might not. That is my fear. The lead weight swings harder when I think about it. It's because somebody else wants something different. I understand what Mrs Havers means. I want my life back. I want to go back to my life. My life when my mum and dad loved me and they were always there. I can't rewind life like a video tape but I can have it again. You can't go back but you can have things again. I have noticed that. Like you can't go back to being smaller. If your feet get big you can't wear your old shoes but you can get another pair just like them and they fit your feet now. So it's just as good as before.**

**In the summer if it's dry you can sit on the bench outside and read Harry Potter or The Famous Five.When it's wet and windy and dark in October you can't. You just think about it and want it again. Then a day comes when it's nice enough to sit outside but it's not quite like the summer day you wanted. But then somebody buys you the next Harry Potter or Famous Five and the summer comes again and you sit on the bench and read again. And you say to yourself, 'I like this. This is my favourite summer thing.' I can't be six or seven again but it doesn't mean I can't have parents again when I'm nine or ten. Except it hasn't worked yet. Somebody is blocking it.**

**I had wanted and wanted my mum to come back and she came. That worked. I made that happen. But it was blocked. Mr Leather would say it was flawed. Not floored. It was flawed because my dad wanted something else. Barbara wanted something else. When I was young I didn't know other people could want things. I know now. But why don't they want what I want ? There's nothing wrong with what I want. What I want is OK. And it's right. The lead weight was pressing on my breathing now. I coughed again.**

**My dad looked. "We'll ask her if she's got something for that. No. She won't have anything. On second thoughts we'll stop at the pharmacy on the way. There's one near where she lives."**

**I wondered how he knew. I asked him if he'd been there before. He started the car. He said he had been a few times. He'd helped her unpack some books and put some lightbulbs in. She wasn't strong enough to get the steps out. She still couldn't carry much or lift anything heavy. **

**"You didn't tell me," I said.**

**"You weren't here to tell ," he said, "I'm telling you now. And do something about that long face." **

**So they had been doing things without me. It wasn't my fault I wasn't there. If my mum and dad and I all lived in the same place we would tell each other and we'd know the same things.**

**"Does my mum know ?"**

**"Know what ?"**

**"That you helped Barbara ? "**

**"I have no idea. I don't suppose she would be interested."**

**"Did my mum help her ?"**

**" I don't know. She might have. Barbara was grateful at the time for all the help she could get. Your mother was glad to discover you had an adult female to befriend you in her absence. No doubt she felt glad she could do something to repay Barbara after she came out of hospital. " He turned off the engine and looked at me. He was looking for a whole minute. Then he turned it on again and we drove off.**

**I was quiet all the way there but I was thinking. I was thinking about the last time we had been to Barbara's. She'd not been in that place very long. They don't know that I know she moved the first time because she couldn't afford to stay near us. Last time I had been to the new flat seven times before. I used to write it on a page in my Brownie diary and I counted all the times. Last time was time number eight and on the way there for time number eight I thought about time number seven.**

**On time number seven I'd been looking at my dad's jacket all the way there. He had a letter in his pocket. He'd told me what was in it and I was excited. I couldn't wait to tell Barbara. I can't remember everything else that happened that day but I remember the letter. It said my mother was back in England and wanted to see me. Dad had been reading the letter while I was having my breakfast. He said it was in legal language from a solicitor and so I couldn't read it but he told me my mum wanted to see me and he said he was going to make arrangements. I ran up the steps to Barbara's door.**

**"Barbara! Barbara! My dad is going to make arrangements !"**

**" Wahay. That sounds good, Kiddo." She held the door open and I ran in. I was jumping up and down. I rushed into her bedroom and started bouncing up and down on her bed. It was the same bed we had played on in her old flat where it took up most of the space. It was getting smaller. **

**They were talking in the kitchen as I bounced and bounced. My dad was showing her the letter. he didn't tell me to stop and calm down and not to play on the furniture. Barbara understood legal language. She would. She was clever and the police know all about legal things. Sergeants have to know Latin sentences like sub judice and ubi remedium ibi jus and caveat emptor. I can't remember what they mean. She told me but I get them mixed up. So far I only understand Philosphi Lapis, rapidus Hogvartensis and expelliarmus. They wouldn't be in a solicitor's letter so it wasn't worth showing it to me. Dad was going to put it in the file he was keeping for me to read when I was older.**

**It didn't matter about when I was older. I didn't care about that. My mum was coming home now !!**

**And my dad was going to make arrangements. **

**I didn't know then what arrangements were. I thought it meant he was going to meet her at the airport or the station and carry her bags to the car. I was going to be walking with my arm round her waist and she would have her arm round my shoulders. My dad wouldn't have his arm round either of us because he would have a suitcase in each hand but we'd all be walking happily together, the three of us, back to the car. And then we would go home. I'd been picturing that since I was seven. And it was going to happen at last.**

** I had been looking forward to visiting Barbara for time number eight but I'd been sad, remembering time number seven when I was excited about my mum and the arrangements.**

**I knew Barbara would cheer me up. I'd been going to tell her how my mother had only half come back so far. She wasn't living with us. Mum and Dad were taking it in turns to have me staying with one of them. Like a toy at nursery school. Some toys are too big for you to have one each. You have to take it in turns, like the tricycle. I thought they should share, like the pool or the sandpit when you can all go in together but they didn't like that idea when I mentioned it.**

**Barbara knew already. About my mum not being back properly. She even knew where my mum was living now. My dad didn't stay with Barbara and me that day. He had somewhere to go and my mum was picking me up from Barbara's. It was Sunday. That day my mother and father were not playing the Sunday Game. **

**I was looking forward to a whole day with Barbara and then going to my mum's but my chest was starting to grow the lead weight then so I wasn't looking as forward as I used to. I asked Barbara if she remembered how I had rushed in and bounced on the bed. She remembered. I told her I was older now and wouldn't do it again. That Sunday turned out to be a horrible day.**

**Now this was visit number one to her latest new place and I knew she would remember number eight at the last one. I was worried.  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**A Little Girl's Story**

**Chapter 4**

**On visit number eight I had sat very still while I was thinking about visit number seven. A lot had happened since then. I was thinking about other things as well.**

**I was thinking about what I knew. I knew why Barbara couldn't afford to live near us any more. It was because of me but not in a bad way. I liked it. I was alive because of Barbara. Not like alive because of my mum. Barbara didn't have me. I wasn't born because of Barbara. It was the opposite. I didn't die because of Barbara. Barbara helped Sir not to let me drown. I know that. I like being alive, even with the lead weight in my chest. I can read Harry Potter and the Famous Five. I can tap dance and sew and play the flute. I couldn't do any of that if I was dead. The girl who was taught by Mr Chambers before me is dead. My dad couldn't find a flute teacher who wasn't full.**

**He said one day "A pupil has to die before a flute teacher gets a vacancy these days, Barbara." He wasn't serious but guess what. Barbara knew a flute teacher who liked little chatterbox girls who would talk to him and he had a vacancy because his last chatterbox girl had died. Barbara knows everything. She saw her dead body. She told me that when I asked her but she wouldn't tell me any more.**

**I don't suppose I liked being in the sea. I remember being very cold and lying across Barbara's lap all wrapped up and Barbara kissing me to keep me warm. Like mothers do. Like my mum would do if she was there. I know when I was falling in the sea I saw Barbara and shouted "Mum" as loud as I could. My mum wasn't there but Barbara was. She would do what my mum couldn't. She'd know who I meant. For a minute I thought Barbara was my mum.**

**But I didn't think about my mum then when Barbara was cuddling me and kissing me to warm me up. Or perhaps I did. I don't remember. Dads never cuddle you in the same way mothers do.**

**I know Barbara didn't have as much money after that. She had to live somewhere cheaper. It was something to do with the flare for the coast guard. The coastguard is supposed to rescue you from the sea but Barbara got something wrong when she let the flare off . The coastguard still came for us so I don't know what it was. Perhaps she broke something and had to pay for it. I remember Sir being there. He was swimming with a broken arm. He couldn't do it very well but I was glad he was there. We could look after each other till Barbara came. I remember him calling my name. I told him not to worry, Barbara was coming. I don't remember much more but it must have been before Barbara was holding me and warming me and my dad came running up.**

**So I sat on Barbara's sofa, very still, and thought about how they thought I didn't know why she was living there.**

**I knew something else.Why my mother wasn't home after all. Why my mother and father weren't going to live with me any more. They didn't want each other. After all the times my dad had said it wasn't what you wanted that was important ! Life wasn't about what you wanted but about what you could have and what you ought to do, he always said. But now he was talking about they wanted. She wasn't coming home and he didn't want her to. She didn't want to come home. That was what my dad had said.**

**They both wanted me he said. But they didn't want each other. Then another day my mum told me the same thing. But why did it matter what they wanted ? What had that got to do with anything ? They were my mum and dad.They were supposed to live with me and look after me. It was what they ought to do,then they could both have me. If they didn't want each other they could lump each other. If you don't like it you can lump it. That's what the teachers say at school. I think it's true.**

**But my mother and father wouldn't lump it. Not even for me.**

**It must be because of Barbara.Who else was there ? I worked it out. My dad wanted Barbara now instead of my mum. If there wasn't anybody for my dad to want it wouldn't matter if he didn't want my mum. There wasn't anybody else but Barbara. He could lump my mum. **

**One day I asked him. I didn't care if he thought it was rude. He would tell me off and I'd just have to lump it, "Do you want Barbara instead of my mum ? "**

**"What ?"**

**I thought _don't say what say pardon _but I didn't say it.**

**"Do you want Barbara instead of my mum ? Barbara to be with us instead of my mum. Like Mum used to be." I held my breath. It was hurting to breathe anyway.**

**"Whatever do you mean ? Now what nonsense have you been reading ?"**

**"Are you in love ?"**

**"Have you been watching Coronation Street again ? "**

**"No. You said you and my mum don't want to be together any more. Do you want Barbara instead of my mum ?"**

**I sounded rude and I was expecting him to rebuke me for impertinence but his face changed. He looked at me without anger.**

**He said, "Someone has been lending you silly magazines or showing you inappropriate television. In real life it is much too soon to think of anything like that." Then he waited a bit,still looking at me and said, "Do you ?"**

**It was my turn to say, "What? Do I what ?"**

**"Never mind. Do your homework."**

**And I didn't ask him again.**

**I could see I'd guessed wrong. It was nothing to do with Barbara. After that I was happier for a while. The lead weight still hurt but it wasn't as heavy. Mum and Dad just had to try a bit harder to lump. Until visit number eight.**

**Something I noticed about Barbara, she didn't like just anybody touching her. Her mum could hold her and give her a big kiss and she didn't mind. If Mrs Flo the matron at Hawthorne Lodge touched her on the shoulder she would wriggle away as soon as she could. Sir's wife always gave her a hug and Barbara let her. If Sir even touched her on the arm she would shake him off harder than Mrs Flo. If I hugged her she never pushed me away and sometimes she even hugged me back.**

**That's why I noticed what she did that day before Dad went to wherever he was going. They were talking in her kitchen, Dad and Barbara. She said something funny. I always used to laugh when I was with Barbara. She could make anything sound funny. I can't remember now what she said in the kitchen but I remember Dad put his arm right round her and laughed. She didn't push him away. She didn't try to wriggle free. She put her arm round him as well. They were standing side by side like that, laughing. I stood there. Thunderstruck.**

**Barbara asked me if I was all right. I nodded and went to sit down. I was quiet. She let my Dad out and I heard him say he would phone later. I didn't want to go anywhere. I sat there all day. I did some homework. We didn't go to Hawthorne Lodge. I felt as though I was frozen. Barbara moved about, getting on with things, as if she didn't know she was unwinding my life. How could she do this ? She was my friend. She could have been my mum, I'd always thought, if ever I needed another one. If my mum ever came back Barbara could be like my auntie. I didn't have any aunties. I didn't have any grandmas. Barbara could be like one of those. You could have two grandmas and as many aunties as you wanted.**

**She wasn't supposed to block my real mum coming home when I wanted her so much. But I had seen them now. It was too late. My dad wanted Barbara to be with us and make us laugh. My mum used to put her arm round my dad like that. She hadn't done it since she got back. I hadn't seen her do it anyway. I knew why.  
**

**  
My dad would rather have Barbara than my mum and all of a sudden I knew I hated her. The longer I sat and thought, the more I knew. This was the betrayal. This was what betrayal felt like. Mrs Cate was right. It was one of the worst things imaginable.**

**My mum rang to say she was on her way. I felt my eyes prickle and the lead weight jump when I heard her voice. Barbara told her I had been a bit quiet but I seemed OK. Perhaps I was growing up. Growing up. Had they both forgotten my age ? Silly cows. Barbara gave me the phone and switched off the speakers and went into the other room. My mum asked me if I had had a nice time and said she was coming to fetch me home. Home. When I put the phone down I waited for Barbara to come back. I was feeling angrier and angrier. **

**As soon as she was near enough I kicked her as hard as I could.**

**I said without shouting, "I hate you. You've done a wicked thing to me. I hope somebody does something wicked to you. I hope a robber with a gun shoots you dead. I'm never coming here again!" I stamped my foot hard, the one I'd kicked her with and I walked outside and sat on the bottom step of the steps.**

**Barbara opened the door behind me and I could feel that she was looking at me from the top step. I don't know how long it was before my mum came. I didn't get up from the step. They went inside to get my homework and stuff and I could hear them talking. Well if my mum didn't like what Barbara told her she could lump it. I could always kick her as well. I could run away. I'd go to Chalk Farm to my friend Bar ... oh bugger. I wanted to cry and cry till my heart came out but I didn't.**

**I heard the words 'mood all day' 'chicken pox going round' 'temperature' 'appointment in the morning'. Again the grown-ups were talking about me as if they had no idea what was going on.**

**And I never went there again because Barbara found another flat and moved again. She wasn't so poor that she had to live there any more. They think I don't know that but I do. There is a lot that they think I don't know.**

**Now I was going to see her new place for the first time. Would it be the last time as well ?**

**What was she going to say to me ? Did I care ? I still hated her. I felt homesick for the time when I used to love her. My dad stopped the car and called her on his mobile to say I had a cough and we were stopping for some medicine on the way. I heard Barbara say something about whisky and my dad laughed. I really really really did not want to go.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A Little Girl's Story**

**Chapter five**  


If my dad hadn't been pulling me by the hand, I would never have got to the front door. There were steps up to this one too. Barbara opened it. She threw both arms round me and gave me a big hug. Really hard. I didn't breathe. I didn't know what to do and my arms went round her back. It hurt my chest.

She moved me away from her and looked hard at me. "Wo there, Kiddo. Look how you've grown."

She turned to my dad and said, "Who is this enormous young lady ? I thought you were bringing Hadiyyah."

I asked her, "Doesn't it hurt you when you hug people like that ?"

"Not any more. Anyway you're not people. Come and have a look where you'll be sleeping."

Sleeping ? What was she talking about ? She steered me in the direction of what looked like a cupboard. It was just wide enough for a settee to fit in, sideways.

"That's yours for the weekend. It turns into a bed and I've got you some new pillowcases and sheets and you just wait to see what's on the duvet cover. You're my first house guest in this flat."

I noticed that Dad had followed me in with another bag as well as my school backpack. I looked up at her and I must have looked sick because she said, "You not feeling well kiddo ? Did you get her medicine, Azhar ?"

Dad got the cough medicine out of his pocket and went into the kitchen. He took the instruction leaflet and the bottle out of the box. He was looking at the leaflet.

"It says to be taken after meals" he said.

"Good job I've got a meal ready then." She put my bags on a table in the cupboard-bedroom. Then she turned and looked at me. She sounded a bit out of breath. "Didn't you know you were staying?" She looked strange. But then she would. Perhaps it still hurt where the bullet went in. I wondered whether it was still in there. "Azhar ? Didn't you tell her ?"

I couldn't see my dad's face. "Well, er, no. Er..."

"Kiddo, you have a little lie down on the settee. The toilet is through there. I'll tell you when you can come and eat. Are you thirsty ? Lie down and I'll bring you a drink."

I don't drink lying down. I thought perhaps I could lie down now and then sit up to drink. I didn't want to lie down if I had to get up again. I wanted to go somewhere and lie down for a hundred years and then wake up and find it was all a dream, like in a book.

She went into the kitchen and I sat on the bed-settee. It smelt new and it was comfortable. I used to think I was so lucky that Barbara was so kind to me. I heard her say in her sharp voice I had only heard her use to Sir and the rude man in the shoe shop, "What do you think you're doing ?"

My dad mumbled something back.

"Some bloody surprise. It's a surprise all right. Your kid thinks she's spending the weekend with her dad and you spring this on her. No wonder she looks bloody awful. And you didn't even tell me she didn't know."

Mumbling again.

"Well if you think I'm spending my weekend nursing a sick kid who doesn't want to be here you've got another think coming. You can take her home and look after her properly."

Home. I wondered where she meant.

Another mumble and then Barbara again, "No she does not want to be here.You can see she doesn't."

Mumble

" How would I know why ? Perhaps she's frightened of something. Kids get ideas. And before you say it, if it's supposed to be such a treat, then yes, for once it matters what she wants. And what about last time ? "

She meant visit number eight.I couldn't hear his answer, his voice was even lower.

Then I heard, "What ? You never found out what that was about ? Don't you two ever talk to each other ? About what's best for your kid ? Don't either of you ever bloody listen to her ? All these months and there's still something wrong with her.Good God man, she could be walking about with anything."

I could hear clinking and the fridge door opening and closing. I loved that fridge. It was the same one. I heard water running and more talking.

The tap was turned off and I could hear her again, "It wasn't chicken pox and she wasn't feverish so you cretins decided it was a temper tantrum or a game and left it at that ? You know Azhar, when you were on your own with her you were never this stupid. Hard as bloody nails sometimes, but not stupid. Well get your act together the pair of you or I'll report you for cruelty and neglect."

Barbara wasn't even trying to talk quietly. Good job I didn't have a headache. She came in with a drink. The glass was new, "You're the first person to drink out of this glass," she said in her usual voice, which was kind, and handed to me. It was mixed fruit squash. My hands were shaking when I took it from her and she held the glass steady for a bit while I drank some of it.

I said, "Thank you," and wondered what else was for tea that Mum would never let me have. "I don't want to go yet. If you've made some food I'll stay." My voice was shaking too.

"Well I think you'll feel better with something inside you." She was smiling. She looked the same as always, in her face.

I wondered if there'd be cake. My mum never let me have anything with sugar in it. Barbara bought home-made cakes from the stall at the church sometimes. We had passed a church on the way here. There might be home-made cake today. Perhaps chocolate.

I had read in books about people making cakes at home. When I'd seen the label 'home-made' on the wrapping of the first cake Barbara had bought I wondered if it meant somebody had made it at their house. Barbara said yes it did. Her mother had made home-made cakes when Barbara was young. Mrs Havers had made lots of home-made things, stew, meat pies,apple pies and clothes. She'd even tried bread once,and wine. If ever Barbara had a bigger kitchen she'd show me how to make a cake. It wasn't difficult. You just needed a lot of space if you were as messy as her and as out of practice. She might even show me one day in the holidays in the little flat she lived in then next door to us if I was round there one day when my mum wasn't back and Barbara wasn't working and my dad was away somewhere long enough for us to clean up the place before he got home. But she didn't live there any more and neither did we and anyway my mum had come back. My mum didn't approve of cake. Catch her making any she said.

I heard the sound of the front door opening and closing. I couldn't breathe. I felt my eyes open wide. Barbara put her hand on my shoulder. "It's OK.Your dad's going to phone your mum to see if she can get you in to see the doctor. He'll be back in a few minutes. If she can get you in today it won't be till the end of evening surgery so there'll be bags of time to eat before you go." She stood up and changed her voice to that lighter tone it used to sound. Like the higher notes in a tune. Mr Chambers was going to show me the higher register. She always spoke more quickly when she did that. "Then if you get tummy-ache after eating my cooking he can give you a prescription for indigestion at the same time."

Cooking. She had cooked something today. Not just opened tins or packets. Perhaps she had planned to show me how to make a cake tomorrow. I wish she had done that long long ago when we lived where we lived before. It was too late now.

"Why am I going to the doctor's ?"

"It's cheaper.Your cough medicine cost over four quid for that little bottle. Your dad wants a prescription in case you need another bottle. Children under sixteen get prescriptions free."

"You're still funny, Barbara." I wasn't laughing.

"Well I wish I knew how to make you laugh."

I started to cough again. The lead weight was so high up in my chest it felt as though I had to get it out. She took the glass out of my hands and then gave it back to me when I had stopped coughing. I looked at the wall while I was drinking and saw the shelf. Two copies of every Harry Potter book so far and two shelves full of The Famous Five. There were some other books as well but I knew she had put the Harry Potters and the Famous Fives out specially for me. I could take one with me to read in the waiting room at the doctor's. I knew she woudn't mind. I couldn't think of any time she had ever said no. If I took two books I would have something to read over the weekend at Dad's. I wondered why he had gone out to ring Mum from a phone box or his mobile and not rung from Barbara's.

Barbara said she didn't know for sure but she supposed it was because he wanted to talk to Mum about something else too, something that was none of our business. She didn't know what it might be because he wouldn't tell her would he,not if it was something that was none of her business. I could ask him when he came back if I was that keen to know. He could either tell me what it was or tell me to mind my own business. I didn't laugh. I asked her if my mum knew where I was and Barbara said of course she did. My mum knew where I was every minute. She had to. My dad had to tell her everywhere he was taking me. I didn't know that. Barbara said there was no need for me to know everything but she was going to ask my dad later for a list of what I didn't know, just in case. In case what ? Barbara was still funny but I couldn't laugh any more. Sometimes it was serious when she was funny. I could see that now I was older.

I finished my drink and she told me I could have another one later and went back out. I tried lying down. I didn't think I was aleep but I knew I had been asleep because I woke up when my dad came back and rang the doorbell. There was a quilt over me. Barbara must have put it there. Long long ago that would have made me happy. But now there was something going on that I didn't know about. Whatever it was, Barbara didn't know either. So if it was a bad thing it wasn't her fault. If it was a good thing she couldn't block it. Way hay.


	6. Chapter 6

**A Little Girl's Story**

**Chapter Six**

It was stew and dumplings.

"You have excelled yourself, Barbara," my father said.

"OK. Didn't I always say one day I'd respond in kind for all those meals you cooked me? I just didn't think it would take this long to get round to it."

She spooned some more onto my empty plate. My dad asked if she'd made it all from scratch. I would ask later what respond in kind and made from scratch meant. I knew I shouldn't talk with my mouth full and I didn't want to stop eating.

"Well I did go to that butcher but I just couldn't bring myself to buy that sort of meat. And yes, I know I've eaten it at your house. It's different when it's already dead."

"I can see why you wouldn't want to buy the meat while it was still alive, Barbara."

"Don't poke fun. And you know what I mean."

"Of course. So you made vegetarian casserole, Barbara. It's good."

"I bought some of the vegetables already peeled and chopped. The onions and the peppers. I used a vegetarian stock cube for the flavouring in the gravy.Everything else is totally from scratch. "

When they were just talking and not about me they sounded like friends. I used to like it like that. I remembered an evening when Dad had made dinner for us and I told Barbara about how my mum used to laugh when the spices dad put in the dinner made it so hot that her eyes watered and her make-up ran. I thought it was time I contributed to the discourse.It's not polite to eat all the time without speaking.

When my mouth wasn't full I asked Barbara, "Do you remember when you had dinner with us and I said how my mum's make-up ran ? It was long long ago."

My dad said, "Hadiyyah. That was not long long ago. It is hardly one year."

Barbara said, "Have a heart, Azhar. A year is more than ten percent of her whole life. It's an even bigger portion of how much of her life she can remember. A year is a heck of a long time when you're her age. Can't you remember ? Yes, kiddo, I remember. You asked your dad three times if it really happened before he agreed it did."

She looked down at her plate. He changed the subject. He does that. "You've done wonders with this flat too, Barbara. All the decorating and the furnishing. It's come on leaps and bounds since I last saw it."

So he wasn't here a lot then ? I wondered why. If he wanted Babara instead of my mum why hadn't he been coming here ? Perhaps he was looking for another house for him and Barbara instead of him and my mum and he didn't want Barbara to get on with this flat and want to stay in it. So he'd stopped coming round to help her.That must be it.

I sprinkled more salt on the stew. We never had salt on the table at Mum's house. My dad looked but he didn't say anything. The phone rang. Barbara got up and answered it and said, "Yes, he's here, do you want to speak to him ? Oh OK. Yes, I can. No, I don't mind. But why? Oh I see. Yes. Good idea. Right. Bye."

She came back to the table. "The doctor can see you at seven o'clock tonight, Kiddo. Your mum wants me to take you."

"Why can't she take me ?"

"I don't know. I expect she's arranged to go somewhere or she's meeting a friend. Something she can't change. She knew you were going to be away, remember?"

"Why can't my dad take me ?"

"I don't know. Ring her and ask."

"Can I ?"

" 'May I, please ? ' " my dad corrected me, like Barbara didn't know what I meant, " and wait until you've finished your tea. It's not polite to Barbara to get up from the table."

The pudding was chocolate sponge with strawberry custard. The strawberries had to be frozen ones at this time of year but she'd thawed them out herself. They were soft through being frozen but she'd put them in the liquidiser with caster sugar to make them even softer to make the sauce. The cornflour she'd used for the custard was white. White flour. Ooh. So was the flour for the dumplings. She'd mixed some brown with the white in the gravy to help with the colour. My mum didn't allow white flour through her front door.

Barbara hadn't made the chocolate pudding herself. She'd bought a home-made cake from a stall at a Brownies' Thinking Day fair in the church hall and put it in the freezer. It had chocolate icing on and chocolate buttercream in the middle and they had melted into the sponge beautifully after she'd thawed it when she'd warmed it up in the microwave to turn it into a chocolate sponge pudding.

"Home made, just not made in my home."

My dad laughed. I'd heard that before but perhaps he hadn't.

She was waiting for me to come round, she said, before she made a cake herself in this kitchen. I was right. I still know things other people don't know I know. For a moment I felt really excited. It felt like it used to feel when Barbara did things for me and I loved her and thought she could be my new mum if I was an orphan like in a book. I wished it was last year again.

It's true you can't rewind life like a video tape. For a minute I pretended I could. Replay, Edit. My mum and dad and I all living in the same house and me coming to stay with Barbara, like my friend Annie goes to stay with her auntie and Harriet goes to her grandma's, to make cake and read. Then the lead weight jumped and I took a big sharp breath.

They looked at me. Both of them. Barbara said I could ring my mum. I did. No reply. I left a message on the machine but she didn't ring back. Barbara said she must have gone out. She was sure mum would ring back if it wasn't after my bed time when she got in. Dad gave me some of the cough medicine. We all put the dishes in the dishwasher. Dad said he and I should do the washing up and when Barbara said there was no need and showed us the dishwasher we were surprised. It was so different from her first place. She had been happy there though. It was her first place of her own. She didn't have to do much to keep it clean. It was easy to get to for work when she was in London and to visit her mum. And she had us. She had me to play with and my dad to talk to. What more did she want.

I asked dad if he was coming with Barbara and me to the doctor's. He said he would go now and get on with some work he had to do at home. Barbara could ring him from her mobile afterwards. Then we'd decide. Decide what ? Dad said I might not feel like going home with him after I'd been to the doctor. It depended how much time the doctor had available to go over things with us. I asked if he was taking me with him and meeting Barbara at the doctor's or if he was leaving me there. I didn't know whether I wanted to stay with Barbara. It wasn't as bad as it was before we got there but this time I would be awake when my dad wasn't there. I didn't say any of that, just asked if I was staying behind.

Barbara made a funny noise but it wasn't Barbara herself. It was the coffee pot. She had her back to us and opened a cupboard and put her head inside. Surely she wasn't looking for ginger biscuits ? I was full. I didn't want anything else. Perhaps we could take some with us. My dad stood next to her and put his arm across her shoulders. He stood next to her left shoulder and put his right hand on her right shoulder. I thought oh no not again but it was different this time. She shook him off. She pushed his hand away with her left hand and shook him off, like she does with Sir sometimes.

She turned round and I could see her face. I couldn't tell what she was thinking but she wasn't laughing. She was doing something with cups and the coffee pot. She asked me if I wanted coffee. Not like everybody else who thinks I want something else. I said I did. I wasn't sure if I did but if I said yes this time she might offer it to me another time when I did want it. I could always not drink it this time and pretend it had gone cold. I would come another time so long as my dad was with us. She looked really serious. So serious she couldn't make it funny. I suppose there's nothing funny to be said about a dishwasher and some coffee.

My dad said, "Thank you, Barbara," and put his arm round her again. After a few seconds she pushed him away again.

This was OK. Not like before. It didn't matter if Dad wanted Barbara. She didn't want him. She looked unhappy. I felt happy. I wanted to laugh out loud. The lead weight sank, changed shape and bounced back up. I tried to cough but I couldn't.I could feel my face moving into a big smile. Barbara looked as though she was ready to cry. It's a good job grown-ups don't cry really, only on television. But nothing could have made her unhappy anway. We'd been with her all the time and there hadn't been anything on the news. We hadn't had the TV or radio on. Nobody had phoned. It was just the way she looked. Perhaps the bullet hurt after she ate. Suddenly I thought she could see my face. Looking smiley. I didn't want her to think I was smiling because she was in pain or looked unhappy. So I went and gave her a big hug this time. She didn't push me away.


	7. Chapter 7

** A Little Girl's Story**

**Chapter 7**

My dad went home without me.

Before he went, he said something seriously, "Answer all the doctor's questions, Barbara, tell her everything she asks. If Hadiyyah has to hear it she has to hear it.Her health comes first."

I thought, duh. As if Barbara wouldn't tell the doctor. And it was a cough I was going with, not earache. I could hear anything I wanted to.

It was nearly time to go to the doctor's anyway. It was best to get there early. They were fitting us in at the end of surgery. They do that with emergencies. We weren't quite an emergency but they were fitting us in. If we were early and there was a cancellation they might see us instead and leave room for an emergency. We took two copies of Practical Classics Great Expectations Abridged and Simplified by S.E.Paces Schools Edition Level 2 with questions at the back and discussion points..They were small enough to go in Barbara's bag.

We got there and were on the questions and discussion points for the second chapter, My Sister And Joe, when we were called in. We had got to" If you met an escaped prisoner what would you do ?" when we heard, "Khaleeda Weston !"It was one of my names.

On the way in, the receptionist asked us about Practical Classics. She wrote down the address of the publisher on a piece of paper and put it in her handbag. She thought her son would like Treasure Island and she wanted The Prisoner Of Zenda for herself.

The doctor was a man, elderly, about 42, and looked kind. He knew what we had come about without looking in the notes file. That was unusual. He must be clever. I like clever people. Except Barbara. I only used to like her. I felt the lead weight pinching me now, as well as pressing on my ribs. I made a little noise.

"If you've got a pain, Hadiyyah, show the doctor where it hurts." How did she know ? I pointed to my chest. I had to. I had never told anybody about the weight but you should always tell a doctor everything.

"Aha," said the doctor. "That would make sense with a cough. Glad to be closing the day with an easy one. Let's have a look at this chest of yours then."

So that was why Barbara had come. I needed a mature woman with me. If not, when I had to take my top off the nurse would have to come in. It is a sign of the times. I heard somebody say so on the bus. A male doctor has to have a female chaperone when examining a female patient these days what is the world coming to but you never know do you.

He listened to my chest with a stethoscope. He asked me to cough. He asked me to lift my arms up and down. He thumped me on the back of the ribs up and down and all over. He looked down my throat. He took my temperature. He asked me to put my top back on.

We sat at his desk. He said, "Well I think we can give her something to ease the discomfort in her chest. She'll be feeling a bit sore if she's been coughing and we don't want to set up a reflex. Just something mild to settle it. I don't think there's any infection there so no antibiotics now but if you take this form to the hospital some time in the next seven days we'll get some X-rays done just to be on the safe side."

He was talking to Barbara, " You're not her mother ? Was that her mother who rang earlier ?" He looked at a piece of paper in front of him. He took out a form from the middle of three drawers on his right hand side. "You're a police sergeant I see. I gather there's some possibility of Social Services involvement at some stage soon ? That's why we are seeing her at such short notice."

"Er. I'm in the police, yes. But I've come this evening in my capacity as a friend of the family."

"Hmmm. Quite. Busman's holiday sort of thing. Yes. How long have you known them ?" He looked at some of the the papers again. "The parents have been separated getting on for three years.Mm hmm"

No that was not right. My mum was away one year and now she was home. Barbara didn't put him right. "Since before I knew them, yes. All I knew myself at first was that she was in Canada. She has a relative there. I don't know all the details."

"Hmm. Not a recent thing then. I see the mother is re-married, to a Canadian, and she's back over here for six months to sort out some official stuff. To do with the child among other things. Is that right ?"

"Six months at least. Perhaps a bit longer." Barbara watched him as he wrote it down. She can read upside down and she looked at him, not at me. Checking what he wrote.

The doctor looked up at her. "I say 're-married' but I see the parents were never married so there was no divorce. The mother is married to a Canadian. Sorry. I get a bit pedantic at this time of day. Hmmmm. Could be an interesting legal point though, regarding who is the official parent of this little one. The courts could well be involved."

He can't have been talking about my mother, surely ? Must be somebody else's mother. Who else's mother ? Not Barbara's. His ? No. It must be mine. He'd got it wrong. He was mixing me up with somebody else.Somebody with a name like mine. Why didn't Barbara put him right ? What was she doing to me this time ?

I'd have to tell him myself. I heard myself make a choking noise when I tried to speak.

He smiled at me. "Sorry, Khaleeda. This must be boring for you. You know all this and it's not much fun going over it. And it's hard to listen to people talking about you as if you're not there. But it's quicker you see, just to go over it all with your .. er ...sergeant here. If it's boring you can go out and sit in the waiting room with your book. It looks an interesting one you've got there."

Boring ? My mother married. To not my dad. Here for six months. I was counting on my fingers under the seat how long she had been here already and how much time was left. I was glad I was sitting down. The lead weight was weighing down into my chest and my whole body was sinking down to the floor. I shook my head. I was surprised to find I could move.

"A Professor Taymullah rang earlier, Sergeant. He said you were considering making an abuse report. Are we thinking of the at-risk register here ? Where is he from, Social Services ? He said you were concerned about some out-of-character behavioural manifestations."

Barbara smiled at the doctor. "He's her father. He's not from Social Services. He's a bit confused over something. I don't know what he told you,I'm afraid. I wasn't there when he rang. I was worried Hadiyyah was ill a couple of months ago when she behaved strangely. But I was in an accident myself shortly afterwards.. I was in hospital and then I was away convalescing with some relatives for a few weeks so I suppose I assumed her mother had sorted it out. Professor Taymullah only told me today they'd done nothing.

" He's probably thinking his solicitor will want to get social and medical reports if he applies to the court for access and residence. Perhaps he said Social Services by mistake.We were talking earlier about what happened last time I saw Hadiyyah." She didn't mention she'd said she'd report them for cruelty. I bet she'd do it though if somebody had cruel parents. She wanted mine to do something so they wouldn't be cruel. I don't know what she wanted them to do.

The doctor looked in my notes. "There's nothing in here about strange behaviour."

I could have told them that. My mum didn't take me to the doctor. She didn't believe in doctors. First you had to try good nutrition then herbal remedies. Doctors were for when you couldn't buy something without a prescription. She said I must have eaten something at Barbara's that made me hyper-active and have a tantrum.

Dad said I was probably playing a game of dares which included kicking a police officer or I had read something in a silly book borrowed from a school-fellow. I knew I meant it. I was the only one who knew.

Barbara said, "Well, I'm just glad she's all right. I had been reading around a PM report about brain tumours and violent behaviour at the time. You know what it's like when you've been reading medical stuff. I was worried when it happened but I know if it had been anything like that we'd all know by now. She'd probably dozed off and had a nightmare or something and got frightened."

"I think that's a very likely explanation. Happens at this age.Won't do any harm to request a scan. Could mean a long wait though as there are no other symptoms. Just to be on the safe side. She could have had a bump on the head at school and forgotten about it. It happens. Teachers usually let you know about that sort of thing but sometimes children don't tell the teacher, or messages go astray. Let's just make sure there are no signs of any concussion."

I didn't have a bump on the head. It was all about what I was thinking. I had given Barbara a kick and I thought she deserved it. I had said I wanted somebody to shoot her. The lead weight felt worse and worse.

I felt like that man who shot his dog in Bedgellert. It was Barbara who was worried about me.More than my own mother and father. I thought she was blocking my mum and dad coming home to me, all of us together, and all the time they were blocking themselves. Or it was my mum blocking it. Or the Canadian. Nothing to do with Dad and Barbara. But there was somebody blocking it. I was right about that.

And they hadn't told me. My mum was married. She wasn't ever coming home. Her home was in Canada and the place she lived in now where I stayed was where she was staying. Not living, just staying. That's why I didn't think it was my home. And I didn't even live with Dad any more. I just stayed with him. I wondered what Canada was like. Would I have to wear bear skins and a fur hat ? Suppose I didn't like the Canadian ? What if he wanted me to call him Dad ? Suppose I wanted my real dad and he was in England. Would it be like when I wanted my mum and she was in Canada ? I wanted my life to be a video and press the pause button.

"When we've ruled out anything organically wrong we'd better set the wheels in motion for a psychiatric evaluation. A lot of stress for a child, but nothing out of the ordinary these days. Doesn't make it any easier, I'm afraid, however many there are in that boat. On second thoughts I'll put the wheels in motion now. Just to be on the safe side." He filled in another form. That was three now.

I looked at the clock. It was four hours since my mum had laughed at me in the park. I'd been toughening myself up for days to ask if we could all be together again. When I'd asked, she'd thought it was funny. Perhaps she didn't know I didn't know it was impossible.Perhaps she thought somebody else had told me. She must think I'm an idiot. Do they have idiots in Canada ?

"I think that's all we can do for now, er Sergeant ... ? "

"Havers."

"Oh - Havers the Heroine. I know who you are now. Some 'accident'. You are far too modest. If I'd known who you were I wouldn't have kept you waiting."

He was standing up and shaking hands. I couldn't move. In books you see all your life flashing before you. My life had flashed by and gone. My life wasn't what I thought it was.There was another lead weight now, holding me to the chair. Barbara helped me to get up. I wasn't the same person I'd been when I'd sat down.

We walked out of the surgery into the night. It was dark now. Barbara held my hand. There was a pharmacy open and she bought me a drink out of the fridge in the shop with a straw that you push into the corner. My mum didn't allow those. I drank it while we waited for the prescription. Barbara wasn't saying much. I didn't let go of her hand. When I wasn't holding her right hand I was holding her left hand. There was a McDonald's open across the road. We went in there. It wasn't busy. We sat at a table. I had a strawberry shake. Strawberry again. She had already phoned my dad on her mobile with her free hand. She sat opposite me in McDonald's.

"How much of what the doctor knew did you know already ?"

"Nothing." My voice was thin.

"Oh Kiddo."

"I'm sorry Barbara."

"Hey. None of it's your fault. You must never think that. One day you will understand it, I promise."

"It's my fault I kicked you on the leg."

"Was it ?"

"Yes." I sniffed.

"Well in that case, apology accepted." She handed me a paper serviette. "And blow, don't sniff."

I noticed she wasn't smoking. We were sitting in a non-smoking area. I realised I hadn't seen her with a cigarette since we arrived.. There were no ashtrays in the flat.

"And it's my fault you got shot."

"No. Nothing to do with you. It wasn't a robber it was a murder victim's widow and she didn't shoot me dead, so there."

"I'm glad you're not dead, Barbara."

"I'm rather pleased about that myself."

The lead in my chest was a bit smaller but it was beating. "Will you come and visit me in Canada, Barbara ?"

"Oh. Are you going to Canada then ?"

I hadn't thought I might not be going. "I don't know.Nobody said."

"Well let's just get through this weekend shall we ? "

"Can I stay with you please, Barbara ?"

"You know you can. It's all fixed up. You wait till you see who's on your duvet cover."

I cried all the way there. It was the first time I had cried for a long time. Barbara didn't tell me not to cry. When we got in I went into the cupboard bedroom and lay with my face in the quilt Barbara had put over me earlier. I sobbed and sobbed like in a book. But this was real. I could feel the lead weight pumping up and down like a drum to the beat of the sobs.

I heard the doorbell. Barbara went to answer it. I heard someone come in. A man. I hoped it wasn't Sir. I hoped it wasn't the man in the photo with her in front of the British Museum. I hoped it wasn't the man in the photo with her in a disco. I tried really really hard to stop crying. I sat up in case I had to be polite to someone.

Then I recognised the footsteps. It was my dad. I started crying again. I just sat there. He didn't come into the cupboard. He sat on the big settee in the big room. I got up. My feet were not heavy. I ran to him and sat on his knee. He held me to him and put his head on top of mine. It felt wet. It must have started raining since we got in. Barbara came and sat on the settee next to us and she put her arm right round my dad. He didn't push her away. I didn't either.


	8. Chapter 8

**A Little Girl's Story**

**Chapter 8 **

I think I cried all that weekend. I don't remember. My dad came and fetched me from Barbara's after Hawthorne Lodge on Sunday and then we played the Sunday game. Dad took me to a cafe my mum liked and then my mum came and met us. I ate something and they ate something and then my mum took me back with her. I asked her about Canada but she kept changing the subject. I think I stayed with her on Monday night but I'm not sure. Mondays I don't have any lessons for anything after school.

I know it was Tuesday when I did something really stupid. I went to Mrs Jones instead of Mr Chambers. It comes of having to catch a bus instead of somebody taking me. Mrs Jones's door was on the latch, the way she leaves it when she is expecting somebody. So I just walked in.

She wasn't in the study. Sometimes we had our lessons in her sitting room at the back so I went to look. I could hear singing being played over her speakers. She had speakers all over the house so it didn't mean she was anywhere in particular. It was Aled Jones when he was young. Beautiful. Gwenith Gwen. Golden wheat or silver corn or something. In a book at school it had the song with the words in English. I wondered if they were the same.

She was in her sitting room, crying. She stood up when she saw me.

I was shocked. You don't see adults crying in real life. Only on the television. I asked her what was wrong. She said it was nothing. It was St David's Day, that was all.

" Just feeling a bit of hiraeth, you know. I'm fine. I didn't know you were coming today." She dabbed her eyes with a big handkerchief and smiled.

After she had phoned Mr Chambers and arranged for him to come and collect me because I couldn't remember who was picking me up so she didn't know whether to tell my mum or to tell my dad I was at the wrong house, I asked her again how she was. She kept saying there was nothing wrong and made me a drink and brought some ginger biscuits.

"What's hiraeth ?" I asked. "Does it hurt ? "

"Oh no. It's all right to feel it now and again. Especially on St David's Day and times like that. It could hurt some people, I suppose.But I'm fine. I don't really mind it." She was smiling but tears came back to her eyes. There was something about her expression. I thought she looked like I felt sometimes.

"What is it though? " I hoped I didn't sound rude. She told me anyway.

"Well there isn't really an English word for it. It means longing, a kind of homesickness but not necessarily with a sense of loss. It's for Wales you see. You know you can go back there.It's not gone but you miss it. Wherever you live in the world, Wales is still there. You can be happy where you are but you have a longing for Wales and times past all the same ."

"It really doesn't hurt ?"

"Well it doesn't hurt me. Just makes me a bit emotional and sentimental on occasion. Hiraeth can be a pleasant feeling in a way. A happy remembrance. I'm off to see my grandchildren in Llanfairfechan this weekend. I'm looking forward to going. So it can't be hurting me can it ?"

" And you are happy where you are ? " I had been shocked when I saw her crying. I needed to know she was happy.

"Of course I am, I wouldn't be here in London now otherwise, would I ? All you lovely children coming to see me and keeping me young ? It doesn't mean I can't feel a little twinge now and again. For other things that made me happy long ago."

_**For other things that made me happy long ago.**_

Aled had stopped singing. I liked him. At Hawthorne Lodge they always had Songs Of Praise on on Sunday. But on that he was a grown man. He had a lovely deep voice. Baritone I think. He must have made the recording of Gwenith Gwen when he was a boy, long ago.

"Does Aled feel hiraeth ?"

"I expect so."

"Is he your grandson ?"

She laughed. "Oh no no. No relation at all so far as I know. There are millions of Joneses in the world.

"Does hiraeth feel like a big lead weight in your chest ?" I was shocked at myself. I knew what it meant now when a book said 'I could have ripped my tongue out as soon as I said it'. That weight was supposed to be a secret. I would have told the doctor but he hadn't found it. I'll have to tell another doctor if one asks. Otherwise I had meant never to tell anyone. But I couldn't take back what I'd asked, so I carried on. I said "Can you have hiraeth for people ?"

"Oh of course you can have hiraeth for people. And that's a good guess about the lead weight. You know when I was first up at Oxford I went around for weeks feeling as though I'd swallowed a stone. I'd completely forgotten that until you mentioned it. You're a very perceptive little girl. You'll go far. That's nice to see a smile.

"An enormous stone it was. I imagined it looking like a pebble from the beach,smooth and mis-shapen, only much much larger. Everywhere was so flat, you see. No hills. The buildings were black in those days. I thought they had been built of black stone. It came as quite a shock when I went there one day and dicovered they'd all turned yellow. Been cleaned up you see. Lottery funding. Millenium project I suppose. Heritage and all that. Didn't recognise the place. I couldn't find my way around. Had to stop and ask somebody. Felt a right div I did. It seemed such a dreary place at first, but I loved it when I got used to it. And I missed my friends when I left. I felt a touch of the hiraeth again then for a while. It came as a shock to feel it for somewhere in England. I'd only ever heard of the hiraeth Cymru until then. But I think it was for my friends and what we'd spent our years there doing together, not so much for the place. Then one by one we all got in touch again. We still meet. College Association and that sort of thing. It's the boys that change the most. They go bald. And grow pot-bellies. But we are all still around, you know.

"You can think about the past but there's no need to grieve for it.We all have lives we are getting on with. Careers, families, grandchildren especially. Lots to talk about. Oh - I don't suppose you know what I'm going on about. But you will. You've got it all to come. At your age, life is changing all the time. You have a new teacher every year, you change schools as you get older, learn new things. Everything changes, even your shoe size. You have to enjoy the changes. You might miss the old things but nobody can take your memories away from you. Hang on to the good ones and make new ones as you go along."

"I've got good memories already, " I said. "There was when I got my certificate for distinction at Grade One. And when I first played Ba Ba Black Sheep on the flute, and when I swam a width and when I got my new tap shoes."

"That's the sort of thing I mean. You should keep scrap books of them.Put your certificates in them, and photos. Oh and some things in a box, your badges and medals and so on. Lots of people do that you know, and those that don't, well later they often wish they had. And then when you're older you can look at them. They'll make you cry but they won't make you unhappy. You're not too young to start."

The lead weight got a bit lighter. I thought of what I would put in a scrap book and a box. I could enjoy changes and still keep what I loved. I'd start with drawings of what I didn't have photos of. I'd do one of my mum eating hot food with her make-up running. I'd do one of my dad winning prizes for her at the fair.

Then there would be a drawing of the other fair, at Balford. I could take a photo of my giraffes because they'd be too big for the box.

And then I could take a photo of the fridge and write a story about the time I found it outside and in the story there would be a friendly lady who appeared who was too tired even to push it. It could be a magic fridge with magic things inside it. She could be a princess. No,not a princess, just a lady. She could be a magic lady who had a wand which could make everybody happy and make everybody's troubles go away. I could call her Barbrangela.

Mr Chambers came and took me to his house. I hadn't got my flute with me so I had to sing. He had a copy of an old book. 'Songs For Saint David's Day' it was called. There was a piano part and a voice part. He played the tune through twice for me. Then he put the voice part on the music stand and said "Come on, now.Depp breath. Nice big voice."

The words were in English, and I took a deep breath as he played the introduction. I could feel something warm in my chest. Lead melts at relatively low temperatures. I felt it softening as I let out my breath and sang :

_How long ago it seems, Lisa lan,_

_Since we those carefree moments passed;_

_But still their memories with me last_

_Like fragments from old dreams Lisa lan_


End file.
